Increased Sale of Liniment, a Self-satisfied Female and a Highly Elated Lot of Gossipers

The St Francisville reporter in February 1880 stated that the city of St Francisville should retire and give some other town a chance to distinguish herself.  She had two railroads, an unlimited supply of corn in liquid form, a good prospect in machine shops, a reputation second to no town in Illinois for good looking girls and last, but not least, a righteous heroine who bested a villain.

Mrs. Tinsley, the aforementioned heroine, was a widow, judging from the fact that she took the defense of her honor into her own hands.  That she was reasonably attractive might be judged from the advances of her persecutor.  Like the daughters of Eve, she was vain of her attractions and liked to adorn her person with the ornaments so much in vogue among the fair sex. 

The hefty villain was Mr. John Martin, a gentleman of peripatetic proclivities whose advent into the yard of a townsman or farmer was hailed with the exclamation: “There comes that pesky pack peddler.” He carried a good stock of jewelry that would attract the eye, and touch the heart, of any one of the feminine gender, but when Mr. Martin called on Mrs. Tinsley and displayed his wares, he found her with a depleted purse.  In her mind there being no equivalent, Mrs. Tinsley informed her visitor that she was unable to purchase, much as she desired to do so. 

It seemed that Mr. Martin had formed a plan by which she could be placed in possession of the coveted jewelry and immediately unbosomed himself regardless of consequences.  Mrs. Tinsley alleged that he conveyed his desires to the effect that her company in the smokehouse with him would sufficiently repay him for the goods she wanted, but as she saw no reason why she should escort a man into that portion of her domestic harbor, refused, whereupon he departed.  It soon became impressed upon Mrs. Tinsley’s mind, however, that she had been most grossly insulted, and she nursed her wrath till the next day, when she armed herself with a stout stick and sallied forth on her mission of vengeance.

While Mrs. Tinsley was walking down the street, she luckily met the object of her search, riding in a buggy with a citizen of the town. Mrs. Tinsley laid an embargo on their further progress and proceeded to express her sentiments to the man of jewelry.  He implored that she use less vehemence in her delivery as he didn’t want to make a scene.  His interposition had no effect other than to exasperate the lady who made a lunge at him with her club, which struck him in the rear, at midships.  He cried “quarter”, and she gave him two more, which caused all the windows in the vicinity to rattle as if disturbed by an earthquake.  Martin succeeded in hauling off to safe quarters, while the irate woman delivered the benediction.  The result of this encounter was a rise in the sale of liniment, a self-satisfied female and a highly elated lot of gossipers who were thus regaled with something out of the usual order.  What explanation Martin made is not known, but one presumes that he was satisfied with getting off so cheaply.